What is Squirrel Pie

Rainy River, Ontario, Canada
Squirrel Pie authoured by Jack Elliott began as a weekly humour column in the Fort Frances Times in late 1993. It ran on a semi-regular basis until 2000. The subject matter is nutty, featuring a list of real and fictional characters and places. Jack's long suffering wife Norma, The Pearl of the Orient, has her hands full keeping Elliott afloat, let alone on an even keel. Join us for some good-hearted humour as new tales from the Squirrel Meister see light of day! Need to contact me: elliottjhn@gmail.com

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Economic opportunities

It wasn’t immediately clear if the Bakery in Drizzle Creek was using a new brand of sugar or the coffee had an extra jolt of caffeine, but something was definitely altered at the debating table the other day. The topic had switched from splitting wood to splitting hairs- on the proper design and deployment of ice fishing accommodations.

Pickle was describing his new ultra light fishing mansion- wooden, of course- when the topic of what constituted the proper amenities for an ice shack might be. After the usual discussion of heaters, hole augers, and benches was exhausted, someone raised the ugly subject of – dare we say it- waste disposal.

Immediately Ike put in his suggestion.

“The thing is,” he bubbled, “I’m offering a new hat with a weather vane, so you can safely, without accident, determine wind direction, early in the operation.”

“You know it’s a wonder Natural Resources, don’t clamp down on all that yellow ice out there,” wondered Alvin, fresh in from a summer at the cottage and once more suffering from the restrictions town society placed on the free expression of an individual when it comes to answering the call of nature in the middle of the front yard.

“Next thing you know they’ll be making them put port-a-potties outside every fish shack on the river,” I observed absently as I dreamed of the white sand Florida beaches beckoning me. One more week, I thought.

There was a pause in the discussion, then the veritable torrent of ideas washed across the table.

“The thing is, we could manufacture a whole line of them right here in Rainy River. We’ve got that vacant plant sitting there just waiting for an opportunity,” gushed Ike, literally bouncing on his chair.

“And the thing is, we’ll have to get the CAD system going to design a few different models,” he added, his trembling hand proffering his cup for a refill of high test.

“Yes, you’ll have to offer a high end model, with lots of options, just like the auto dealers. It’s where the money is.” opined the Runt who has spent the last week drooling over a new pickup with all the bells and whistles.

“Heated suede seats, maybe even wireless, high speed internet, for those of us who wish to contemplate and surf the net simultaneously,” he added.

“Branding is the important thing. You need a really catchy name, if you expect to corner the market,” counseled Alvin.

“And I think, I’ve got just the ticket- The Drizzle Creek Long Drop. Just enough mystery and international flavour, to achieve good market domination,” he concluded leaning back triumphantly.

When you think of the economic impact such an industry could have it’s a wonder no one has thought of it earlier. Why Bull Elk down in Hooterville might have to put on a couple extra sewer sucker trucks, locally, just to handle the volume. The OSB in the Bailiwick could put on an extra shift for panel production and Bucky could fire up two, if not all three of his NWO sawmills to produce the dimension lumber. Definitely an economic development idea whose time has come.

“The thing is, all we need now is some investors,” advised Ike.

Cash! Thousand dollar bills in plain brown envelopes. If its good enough for Mulroney, its good enough for the Drizzle Creek Long Drop.

I might even come back from Florida to pick up my cut.